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Gifts For the Person Who Plans to Hibernate From December to May

It’s entirely possible that the bears have got it right, and that the only way to cope with winter is to sleep through it. So why not give the gift of hibernation to a loved one — or, let’s be honest, to yourself — this holiday season? Here are some picks for the person who plans to take to his or her or their bed from December until May.

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A Drapey Bed Sweater: Obviously, when one takes to bed for winter one does so in pajamas, but it might get chilly, or a trip to the door to fetch a package may be required, and so an unstructured bed sweater is a nice thing to have on hand.

A Luxe Robe: Of course, if your “pajamas” are actually your birthday suit, you’ll need something a bit more substantial for your jaunts to the door (or, if we’re being real about things, to the fridge), like this hooded men’s fleece robe.

A Robe That Doubles as Sleepwear (or Lingerie!): A very personal recommendation, if I may … this robe is perfect. It’s lightweight and super silky and conservative enough to wear to cover up but sexy enough to wear while entertaining if you know what I mean and I think you do. It’s also machine washable. Ahem.

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Pink Lightbulbs, $14
Wideacre Trilogy, $25
A Mister, $14
Graphic: Ana Luisa Suarez
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Pink Lightbulbs: These aren’t party lights that will turn your entire bedroom pink, they’re soft pink which makes for a lovely hue to replace harsher white lighting. Pair them with a trashy novel to complete the gift. May I suggest the Wideacre trilogy?

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Mist: Winter air tends to be dry, and most humidifiers are hideous-looking. But we can’t have you turning into a lizard during your hibernation period, which is why this small humidifier that looks like a decorative candle is perfect for when you retreat for the winter.

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More Mist: Even with the use of a humidifier, winter skin can still become quite dry which is why you should mist yourself like an orchid.

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Calming Hand & Body Lotion: After you’ve misted, you’ll want to lock in all that moisture with a good hand and body lotion.

An Eyemask with an Attitude: All that lying around in bed is exhausting, and when it’s time for sleep, this eyemask will tell the world what you think of it.

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An Attractive Weighted Blanket: Most weighted blankets look like an ironing board cover. How can one expect to relax with a reminder of such an unpleasant chore draped over one’s legs??

A Body Pillow: A body pillow is perfect for propping yourself up to read a book or watch TV, or to cling to when you feel lonely but also abhor the idea of actually interacting with another human.

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And a Case for It: Go on, get the silk body pillowcase.

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Swank Sheets: If you’re going to take to bed, you might as well invest in some good sheets with all the money you’ll be saving by not ever leaving the house.


Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert, advice columnist and the host of the podcast Ask a Clean Person

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