Top Pick: Tom Brady Face Mask | $12 | Amazon
Let me get something out of the way up top: I love Tom Brady. If you’re coming here because you’re thinking “Finally, someone who hates Tom Brady as much as me,” I’m sorry to disappoint. Please understand that I am originally from Massachusetts and it is actually illegal to hate Touchdown Tom there. He is not just a quarterback, but a culture. To reject the GOAT is to reject your sociological duty as a Masshole. Even if Tom has betrayed my family by moving to Tampa Bay, I am bound by blood and will be rooting for him in this year’s Super Bowl.
Despite worshipping at the altar of Tom, I can still dunk on this absolute nerd. More specifically, I am not above making fun of my loved ones who will buy the most outlandish merch possible to support the guy. While I’m content with owning a Patriots blanket and long-sleeve shirt from the era, my dearest aunts and uncles have all sorts of bizarre trinkets. Jerseys, bobbleheads, graphic tees covered in run-on sentences declaring their undying love for Tom. If you’ve never been to Massachusetts, you can’t even begin to imagine the kind of obsessive junk you could buy during his tenure.
With Brady heading to another Super Bowl, albeit as a traitor this year, I felt this was a good time to bring some of that Boston cringe to your life. The internet is a horrible place and thus, it’s filled with all sorts of treasures for the biggest Brady heads. After searching far and wide, I’ve rounded up some truly miserable pieces of sports memorabilia that scream “I don’t have a lot going on in my life right now!” I love every single piece of it. Go Pats.
Tom Brady Face Mask | $12
Let’s ease into things, because it’s going to be a long ride. Here’s a face mask that features a photorealistic picture of Tom Brady screaming while his chest explodes. I’m putting this here because it didn’t even phase me when I first saw it. I thought “Yes, that’s normal,” because you can’t even begin to imagine what I’ve seen. I have been so broken by New England that the idea of someone wearing Tom Brady over their mouth seems entirely common. I have no idea how things are going in Tampa Bay right now, but I can only hope they have not fallen to the same fate. The worst part is that I kind of want this.
Brados T-Shirt | $28
Like any form of pop culture, the mark of something’s success is measured by how much people mash it up with other media in t-shirt form. You’re just not relevant if you haven’t been photoshopped alongside the Avengers or something. Naturally, Tom is no stranger to these kinds of mashups. Just take a look at this “Brados” T-shirt, that features Brady as Thanos with a fistful of Super Bowl rings. When he snaps his fingers, he disappears half of the bones in Rob Gronkowski’s mostly bionic body. That’s the power of Brados. I’m personally excited to see the 2021 update of this shirt to see where the seventh ring goes.
Tom Brady Infant Romper | $19
In Massachusetts, you had to start raising your kids on Tom Brady young. The second they left the womb, it was imperative you get them into something emblazoned with the number 12. If your child’s first word wasn’t “GOAT,” your child was taken from you and you were told to try again. If you want evidence of this phenomenon, here’s a real romper that you can buy for your infant that features Tom Brady’s ageless face showing off his Super Bowl rings. Your baby will know what this means. It’s like the Spider-Man symbiote suit. The information seeps into your child’s DNA through the fabric until they don’t remember a time before Brady. This is the way of life.
Tom Brady Prayer Devotional Candle | $25
When I say that Tom Brady is like a religion, I am not being over the top. Massholes literally worshipped this man, and the Pats, like a God. During his heyday, a friend recalls seeing a piece of graffiti on an MBTA bench that simply said “Pats cheat.” The next day, he returned to discover someone had written “Who the fuck wrote this?” underneath it. Slandering the man is sacrilegious. Here is a straight up devotional candle featuring Saint Tom Brady to illustrate that I am not lying to you. Tom Brady is more popular than God.
Tom Brady Faux Oil Painting | $16
God lives in hell and he is dead.