Weird Shoe Good?

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Vans Varix WC Sneaker | $60 | Nordstrom
Vans Varix WC Sneaker | $60 | Nordstrom
Graphic: Chelsea Stone

These shoes are utterly heinous, but also, I like them. You can wear them with nothing and everything; they’re so insanely busy that they’re neutral. They are my ideal aesthetic, which is chaos. The Shoe is a metaphor for the world in 2019. I want to hate wear them all over town.

The official name of the The Shoe is the Vans Varix WC Sneaker, and the official color is “Multi Turtledove/ True White.” Like the shoes themselves, this makes no sense. They contain multitudes, and also at least 19 different material and design elements.

Everyone else hates them...but I know the truth.

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Here are some other things that these shoes look like:

  • “Like they had a bunch of shit on the ground from making other shoes and then they made a shoe from the shit.”
  • A Jackson Pollock painting.
  • A family heirloom quilt.
  • The universe, before the Big Bang.
  • Sand art.

Anyway, they’re on sale for $60 at Nordstrom (as are thousands of items at Nordstrom, currently), and my boss Shep McAllister said he’d buy them for me if we sell 50 pairs. If you buy them (please, please buy them), I hope we meet one day, and we look down at each other’s shoes, and then we lock eyes, give each other a knowing smile, turn around, and walk directly to Hell.