In recent years, the aspirational cooking set—the Alison Romans, the Molly Yehs, the entirety of the Bon Appetit test kitchen—adopted a very specific style that spilled over to food Insta: Those drab, Eileen Fisher-inspired linen aprons became the official uniform of people who want to look like they toil over a Brooklyn stove.
But who in their right mind would want to look like they work in the Bon Appetit test kitchen these days? Cripes. And so, by the power vested in me, I am declaring that the time has come to cast off those twee chambray aprons and return to a better time, a time when an apron would demand loudly that anyone in its vicinity KISS THE COOK.
That’s right, the novelty apron is back.
KISS THE COOK: A Classic of the Genre
‘Kiss The Cook’ is an old standard in the novelty apron world, but what old standards lack in, lol, novelty, they more than make up for in style. Here are a few variations on the classic.
Tromp L’Oeil Nudes
Michelangelo’s David is the ne plus ultra of the novelty-apron-that-make-its-wearer-look-naked, but there are plenty of other nudie styles to choose from.
Thinly Veiled Innuendo
Sausage jokes abound, perfect for grilling season!
Something Punny
The Venn diagram of people who love novelty aprons and people who love puns is a circle.
Gas Yourself Up
Go ahead, toot your own horn—or let your novelty apron do the tooting for you.
For the Unfuckwithable Sort
During this summer of social distancing, maybe you want to set the tone at your 10-person cookout with an apron that says “DON’T MESS WITH ME.”
How About Something in a Tasteful Animal Print?
Go ahead, tiger, sport the leopard print.
Make Your Own
If these novelty aprons don’t do it for you, don’t make your heart sing, not to worry! You can have your very own message or design printed on an apron.