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Illustration for article titled SEX WEEK: The Five Sex Stains You’ll Meet In Life
Photo: Malvestida Magazine (Unsplash)

Sex is many things but one very specific thing that sex is, is messy. And I say great, go on, get out there, get it in there, make a big mess! I say that, in part, because messy sex often correlates to great sex and I, a lover, want everyone to be having great sex. But I also say that because I get paid to be a cleaning expert and the more sex messes you make, the more money I make. Also, sex messes are hilarious and they are never not delightful to me. So let’s talk about the five most common stains that occur during sex, and how to clean them up.

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Krud Kutter, $10
Krud Kutter, $10
Photo: Amazon

From a stain removal perspective, male and female sexual fluids operate in the same way. They are protein stains, which means that an enzymatic stain treatment product is what you want to break them down and eliminate them from fabrics. There are a number of very good enzymatic stain removers available, but I love to recommend Krud Kutter Sports Stain Remover for sex stains because I find the name evocative in all the right, and very wrong, ways.

Hydrogen Peroxide, $3
Hydrogen Peroxide, $3
Graphic: Ana Luisa Suarez
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Okay look, blood will happen during sex. Sometimes, because we still bang it out when we or a partner is on the rag! And sometimes … for other reasons. REGARDLESS. If/when blood happens during a sexcapade FOR WHATEVER REASON (I am not asking, I am not judging, I have been right there with you in ways I promise you do not want to BEGIN to think about) The Stuff to reach for is hydrogen peroxide.

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Shout, $3
Shout, $3
Photo: Amazon

Food sex is, I’m convinced, a thing that people don’t really do IRL. Like, in theory (Read: in the movies) it seems so hot and so yeah, maybe you’ll try it once? But then you realize it’s just a wet, sticky mess but in all the wrong ways? Right. Well! Maybe I’m wrong and you can tell me but for those of you who may experiment with food sex or who legitimately live the food sex lifestyle, Shout is the best overall stain pre-treatment product for food stains that I’ve found.

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OxiClean Max Force, $7
OxiClean Max Force, $7
Graphic: Ana Luisa Suarez

At this time last year, I wrote a Squalor about the MIRACLE PRODUCT I discovered took makeup stains — and not just any makeup stains, you guys, I’m talking a full face-smear of mascara, bronzer and hot pink matte lipstick — out of pillowcases and, as you may be gathering now, that discovery was one of a deeply personal nature. ANYway. I’ve gone on to tell every makeup-wearing person I know about how spraying this stuff on makeup stains and just, like, rubbing it in with your fingers makes them go POOF! GONE! And so now I’m telling you, too.

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Zout, $4
Zout, $4
Graphic: Ana Luisa Suarez
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Look, it’s 2020 and if you’re not doing butt stuff that’s okay but the guy next to you is definitely doing butt stuff so right, here’s the good news: Poop is one of the easier stains to get out! Basically any kind of laundry stain pre-treatment product will work just fine, as will applying a bit of liquid laundry detergent directly to the stain prior to washing. Given the choice, however, pick a product that has enzymes in it like Zout, which will break down poop since it’s a protein stain. If there’s just a little, sorry, smear on your sheets and you don’t feel like stripping the bed to do laundry, you can scrub the stain away using a damp rag and a very small amount of dish soap.


Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert, advice columnist and the host of the podcast Ask a Clean Person

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