Kindle w/ Built-in Front Light | $75 | Amazon
Lincoln Logs. Algebra. 2% milk. It seems every generation is ruined—RUINED!—by some trend. Now Millennials and Gen Z alike have been mired in the grip of Kindle e-readers, and unfortunately, those vile pieces of extremely power-efficient technology are on sale for $35 off at Amazon. I know, I know, you’re worried that my revealing this sale will simply drive more people to it, but know this, brothers and sisters! I am simply here as a signifying albatross, warning you of the coming storm, that you may be prepared for the storm ahead as young people flock in droves to purchase these “devices” to “read” their “books.” This particular e-reader is especially devious, thanks to its built-in front light and 3 months of free Kindle Unlimited. Imagine! A service designed to completely drain our youngest of their spiritual resilience with access to over one million books. It’s enough to give a sensible person a stroke, especially once one realizes that the e-reader’s 8GB storage means those who were once our hope will now have enough space to hold thousands of books in one small device. It makes me sick, and it should make you sick, too.