As our period of social distancing and quarantine isolation drags on, we’ll be bringing you a series of sex toy reviews to help you make the best buying decisions to keep your solo sex life buzzing along, or to spice things up for couples (or thruples or etc, etc, etc.) who may be experiencing some boredom in the bedroom. On deck today is the Crescendo by MysteryVibe.
MysteryVibe Crescendo is a flexible vibrator that can bend into a variety of shapes, making it an extraordinarily versatile toy that can work for any kind of user, on almost any body part, and in many different ways.
Crescendo retails for $150, but now through July 1, Inventory readers can get 20% off using the code INVENTORY20 at checkout.
Crescendo is designed to act kind of like a finger—MysteryVibe points out, in the marketing copy for Crescendo, that “our relationship with sexuality starts with our fingers. They are our very first ‘sex toy’. Our fingers help us discover and stimulate our erogenous zones.” True and true! Also, man, fingers are so great, we should celebrate them more often.
Before I get carried away with a back to Crescendo: It’s a slim vibrator, 8.5 inches long, 1.6 inches wide at its tip, and 1.4 inches wide at its base. It’s made of silicone and therefore should not be used with silicone lubricant. It can be washed with regular soap and water, or with any toy cleaner that is safe to use on silicone.
Crescendo has six motors along its shaft, so both ends can be used for play; the wider tip is fitted with flexible silicone wings (they call them ‘ears’ but let’s go with wings here because ear-fucking is something I’m not ready to deal with for reasons that you absolutely do not want to get into with me). The motors are designed to provide multiple stimulation points along the shaft, and they can be programmed individually and controlled using the MysteryVibe app.
Crescendo retails for $150, but now through June 1, Inventory readers can get 20% off by using the code INVENTORY20 at checkout.
Possibly the biggest compliment to pay to Crescendo, and I do not say this lightly, is its versatility of audience. I don’t know that “audience” is the exact word to use there but hopefully, you know what I mean and if you don’t, I’ll lay it right out.
Crescendo can be used by women and by men, by singles and by couples (or thruples, etc.), by newbies and by seasoned old pros—it is an incredibly versatile toy. It can be bent to be a clitoral or G-spot stimulator, or both, by shaping it into a curve to hit your G-spot or an S-shape for dual stimulation; use it flat as an external vibrator for clit stimulation.
To use it on a penis, form it into a J-shape to curve around the head. Crescendo can also be used externally as a perineum massager, though it should not be used internally as an anal stimulator because it does not have a flaired base and could get stuck.
In addition to Crescendo’s body part versatility, its appearance is gender-neutral; this is an important feature for many people, for a variety of reasons that we’ve touched on in previous reviews: Basically, it doesn’t look like a dick, and that’s super—especially because Crescendo is designed for both solo and partnered use. MysteryVibe offers a set of Play Cards that detail 29 different ways to use Crescendo; a selection of them can also be found on the MysteryVibe site. Positions include the Pulsating Ascension (solo male), Solo Rodeo (solo female), and the Quivering 69 (couples) (nice).
There was, however, a major problem with Crescendo that almost rises to the level of dealbreaker for me, but may not bother you as much: The learning curve involved in everything to successfully getting the fucking thing to charge, turning it on and off, and figuring out how to change the vibration patterns and intensity was outrageous. There were several moments when I found myself about to hurl the thing against the wall.
Also, the app sucks. Sorry! But this is a review and that’s the truth—it’s glitchy and slow and it’s, frankly, annoying that a vibrator should even need an app, much less one like this that unlocks features you cannot access without it. The app, to the extent I was able to determine, provides users with preset vibration patterns as well as the ability to customize and save patterns of your own creation. Of course, I have no idea how this all works because the app was such a wreck.
With that said, if you’re looking for an extremely versatile toy and you have more patience for technology than do I, Crescendo is a truly unique vibrator that will suit a wide variety of sexual needs, wants, hopes, desires, etc.
Disclaimer: MysteryVibe provided sample units for this review. Under normal circumstances, these would be returned. For obvious reasons, MysteryVibe probably won’t want these ones back, but this did not factor into the content of this review.