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It Should Not Be This Hard to Find Bubble Bath for Grown-Ass Adults

Illustration for article titled It Should Not Be This Hard to Find Bubble Bath for Grown-Ass Adults
Photo: Mutzii (Unsplash)

Things are pretty stressful right now. And the last thing any of us needs is to add to our stress in any way, which is why I am here to tell you this thing I’ve learned in life, so that you may avoid my mistakes and not add to your stress by using a “relaxing” bath product that makes an entire mess of your tub.

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Bath bombs, I am looking at you.

Okay so here’s the thing: I have an entire rant inside me about bath bombs, those stain-y twats, but I’m going to spare you and me and God because now is not the time! (But I mean, really, look at that guy up there and tell me he’s not poised to utterly fuck up your tub. GLITTER?!? IN A BATHTUB??? I feel faint, honestly.)

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Instead, I’m going to skip forward to the part where we talk about good old fashioned bubble bath because that’s really what I’m here to talk about today.

Wait, sorry one sub-rant before we get to the bubble bath: Those bath salts with the petals and the twigs and the berries and suchlike? Yes, those can also go scratch.

Thank you but I do not need to create a fall foliage situation in my bathtub drain every time I want to soak my weary bones.

Which brings me nicely back to bubble bath. Bubble bath is so great, you guys! But at some point, it seems that Big Bath Bomb and Big Twigs & Berries Bath Salts took over the entire bath product market and squeezed out Big Bubble Bath because, damn, is it ever hard to find good bubble bath these days.

Shower gel? E V E R Y W H E R E. Bubble bath? So difficult to find that I have resorted to buying Mr. Bubble. Oh yes I have. I’m not proud, but I have to own my truth (and, actually, Mr. Bubble is pretty great).

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Adults, however, should not be forced into buying cartoon mascot bubble bath because of egregious holes in the market. (To be clear, if you want the Mr. Bubble, buy the Mr. Bubble! It’s affordable and dependable and Mister does indeed give very good Bubble.)

To save you the insane amount of time I’ve dedicated to finding actual God-damned bubble bath, today I have rounded up a whole bunch of bubble baths to save you the work and get you soaking!

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Calgon! Yup, good old Calgon (take me away) is still out there! It comes in four scents: Ocean Breeze, Lavender & Honey, Hawaiian Ginger, and Morning Glory.

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Deep Steep bubble bath comes in eight scents: Lavender Chamomile, Vanilla Coconut, Brown Sugar Vanilla, Mango Papaya, Passion Fruit Guava, Grapefruit Bergamot, Fig Apricot, and Rosemary Mint.

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Dr. Teal’s. There are four of the Foaming Bath formulas available on amazon: Eucalyptus Spearmint, Rosemary & Mint, Avocado Oil, and Ginger & Clay.

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Kneipp comes in five scents: Red Poppy & Hemp, Lavender, Eucalyptus, Cedar & Jojoba, Cheerful Mind (I’ve used this and it’s lovely sort of a citrus scent!)

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The Honest Company comes in four scents: Dreamy Lavender, Apricot Kiss, Orange Vanilla, and Sweet Almond.

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Alaffia comes in two scents: Vanilla Citrus Mint and Lavender.

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Vitabath comes in three scents: Cool Spearmint & Thyme, Lavender Chamomile, and Heavenly Coconut Creme.

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Avon Bubble Delight comes in four scents: Cherry Blossom, Lavender Garden, Cucumber Melon, and Endless Ocean.

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SheaMoisture comes in nine scents: Superfruit, Lavender & Wild Orchid, Fruit Fusion, Virgin Coconut Oil, African Water Mint & Ginger, Coconut & Cactus Water, Peace Rose Oil, Olive & Green Tea, and Sacha Inchi Oil.

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Pure comes in three scents: Rosemary, Lavender Aloe and Citrus.

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Lollia comes in six scents: Always In Rose, Wish, This Moment, Breathe Tranquil, In Love, At Last (oh my God you guys these names I’m screaming).

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N Nabila K comes in five scents: Forest Experience, Heart of Provence, Rose Garden, Sunshine Zest, and Sweet Surrender.

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There’s also a sampler if you can’t choose a scent!

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Library of Flowers comes in three scents: Forget Me Not, Vanilla, and Willow & Water.


Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert, advice columnist and the host of the podcast Ask a Clean Person

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