Because you still have something to prove to your old man? Read more

This sounds like you made it up, but I trust you, Jolie. (Although part of me would delight if you were like, "I made millions of dollars on my book, I'm DONE with these filthy lame-os. 'Yeah, light a stick of maple in your yard and pray to the heathen god to return your slippers to you.'") Read more

Just a word about the pet hair thing: The best way I've ever found to remove pet hair from anything is a (dry) rubber sponge. They actually make specialized rubber "pet hair erasers" that are well worth the cost and last a really long time. Try running one over the sheets and things before you wash them. It's an…

I know this one! Put it in the dryer with tennis balls. Plumps it back up. Read more

Index Read more

I can't fault the seeding of baba, just the ignorant hicks who voted against it. Read more

I can't wait to use this line in casual conversation. Read more

Frankly I think it's unethical to post this on Deadspin without some kind of warning or label that it's satire. Read more

GRAPE-NUTS FUCK YEAH Read more

"Fuck childhood." —Tim Marchman Read more

"Fuck our demographic."—Tim Marchman Read more

*LIST ONLY VALID IF YOU EAT CEREAL FOR INCONTINENCE Read more

This is just awful and wrong. Read more

Hey, you forgot, "Just a grapefruit in a bowl," Grandma. Read more

TIM MARCHMAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DEADSPIN STAFF. Read more

The worst. Read more

Great, our distinctive artist is called "The Civil Wars." Keep on fucking that chicken, Alabama. Read more

I work at a dry cleaners as a certified wetcleaner and dry cleaner. We would wash the comforter in a big commercial 50 lb wetcleaning machine with hot water and an oxygenated bleach added. Just as you recommended. Read more

I wasn't aware that having a laundry room and utility sink was a point of envy. I would have been bragging about it a lot more if I knew, I've just been complaining about having to do my laundry on the sun porch, like a sucker. Read more