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Sex Is Messy, But There Are Solutions!

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5 Neat Things5 Neat ThingsJolie Kerr is a cleaning expert, advice columnist and the host of the podcast “Ask a Clean Person.” Each week, she’ll round up five essential cleaning products, tools and organizational systems to help you live your tidiest lives.

Many, many moons ago, a reader asked for my help in solving her period sex woes and that question inspired the group of women I was blogging with at the time to spiral into a “TOWELS SIMPLY DO NOT WORK” fit of pique. Since then, I’ve fielded questions about all kinds of sex messes—blood, urine, wax, massage oil, sexual fluids, lube, self-tanner mixed with sexual fluids and lube … really just a lot of sex mess questions. And, of course, I can help with all of those but also the answer always includes some variation on, “Have you considered investing in a sex blanket?”

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All of which is to say that if you frequently have messy sex—and good for you if you do!—consider buying one of these products that will help to save your sheets and your mattress and your couch and your carpeting and etc, etc, etc. from your very messy sex life.


The OG Sex Blanket

Illustration for article titled Sex Is Messy, But There Are Solutions!
Graphic: Jolie Kerr
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The Liberator Fascinator is the granddaddy of the sex blanket world, and for good reason: This throw blanket is two-sided—one side is made of microfiber, which has a plush, soft feel, and the other side is satin, which is smooth, and cool, and a bit slippery, but in a good way. The whole thing is machine washable, which is obviously a non-negotiable feature in a sex blanket, but the Liberator Throw has another very important feature: Its center is fitted with an absorbent ant specialty lining that soaks up fluids and liquids.

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A Waterproof Sheet

Illustration for article titled Sex Is Messy, But There Are Solutions!
Graphic: Jolie Kerr

Waterproof sheets are not just for bedwetters! Waterproof sheets designed for sex messes are a different, and less bulky, take on the sex blanket. This version is a flat sheet, which is a more versatile option since it can be used elsewhere other than mattresses (couches, carpeted floors, the car …), but a fitted sheet will stay in place on a mattress more easily than a flat sheet, so if you know you’ll only be using it for bed play, consider that option instead. Also this line in the product description is so funny it has to be shared with you: “Especially suitable for irritating wet games, don’t worry about the mattress getting wet.”

A Waterproof Sheet with Bumpers (!!)

Illustration for article titled Sex Is Messy, But There Are Solutions!
Graphic: Jolie Kerr
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Okay so let’s just say your splashy sex games are of the EXTRA SPLASHY variety … well, here comes a waterproof sheet with bumpers to contain all that splashing! This Tom of Finland sheet is made of waterproof vinyl and has inflatable sides that help to keep fluids, liquids, oils, what-have-yous from spilling. The sides are 5.5 inches high, and the overall sheet measures 67 by 78.5 inches, which will fit on a queen-sized bed or larger.

A Cheeky Novelty Throw

Sex, as we’ve established, is messy. But it’s also really incredibly funny, too! If you’re the type of person who finds sex hilarious, getting a novelty blanket that you use specifically to absorb your sex messes might tickle your pickle in just the right way. While these throw blankets aren’t specifically designed to absorb liquid messes, they can be used just like you would an old towel. If the blood splatter design isn’t your thing, the same throw comes in a dachshund pattern for those who like a little weiner humor in their life, and there’s a version that just says FUCK, making it the perfect fuck blanket for the literalist in your life.

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A Budget Option That’s Easy to Store

It is decidedly unsexy to refer to this sex blanket option by its proper name, but yup, incontinence pads work just great at protecting your sheets and mattress from fluids other than urine. This is the perfect thing for people who occasionally, but not often, have messy sex and want an inexpensive solution that doesn’t take up a lot of storage space. The pads are machine washable and reusable so for less than $20, it’s a great choice to consider!

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Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert, advice columnist and the host of the podcast Ask a Clean Person

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