Tame the Wild Beard Straightener | $26 | Amazon
It’s amazing your conscience didn’t flicker to life until you started to meticulously groom your now-blood-spattered beard, but after you opened your new, $19-discounted Tame the Wild Ceramic Heated Beard Brush, their screams once more (or was it for the first time?) penetrated your thoughts. They were distant at first, yet their intensity grew with each thud of your suddenly-pounding heart as you stalled for the surprisingly brief 30 seconds it took to heat the ceramic bristles of the brush. Its tangle-free, 360-degree cord seamlessly and conveniently swiveled about without interfering, freeing your mental energy to dwell on the feeling of the axe you used to slaughter those poor people, except now the axe feels scalding hot in your hand—or is that the beard straightener? No, can’t be, it has an anti-scald design to protect your face, even as it raises to temperatures of 300°, 350°, or 410°, depending on its temperature setting.
My god, you thought as your beard began to take on a kind of majesty that would belies the thirsty, raging demons inside of you, What have I done?
As you finish the last strokes of your now-kempt beard, eyes still glazed over, it’s as though the screams and the meaty thump of each axe swing are sucked, abruptly, into a void, and a deathly silence replaces them. Your eyes suddenly snap up to focus on your clean, orderly beard in the mirror. “I’ve gotten a great deal,” a smooth, baritone voice says. Was it yours? You hardly give it consideration as it finishes: “on a Tame the Wild Beard Straightener.”
And with that, your thoughts never again return to those you’ve murdered. You slip the double-sided pear wood comb into your pocket, adjust your hair, and off you go to the grocery store, to buy some pre-sliced mangos for a salad you’ll be having later. You never did turn off the beard straightener, but that’s okay. It has a 30-minute auto-shutoff feature.
This article was originally posted by Wes Davis on 01/26/2022, and was updated with new information on 02/08/2022.